The Trouble With Social Media

“A lot of people use social media to share mundane things or for self-glorification. I try to use it to share interesting things with people.” ~ Ashton Kutcher

I do understand that in the grand scheme of things, my blog is just a blog that is out there among many. That being said, I hope that through my blog, I can share not only my interests but also my happiness, sorry, depression, mania and of course any euphoric episode that comes along. There are people in my life that mean a lot to me and there are things that mean a lot to me. I happen to love and adore books. It is very rare that one displeases me. While I am currently reading several books, I do try to make it known that I do have other interests. I am seriously getting tired of people telling me what I can post about, what I can tweet about, etc. It just gets old. These are my accounts, my views. I am sorry if they offend, annoy, or just generally aggregate you. You are not me. I made it clear, perfectly clear, when I created this blog that I am an Aspie and I will post what the heck I want to post. Your opinion, while appreciated, does not mean anything and will not stop me from doing what am doing.

There is a reason I own a hat that says: I ❤ haters

Ms.Pengelf

❤ <(“)

New Obsession forming!

“And by the way, everything in life is writable if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is Self-Doubt.” – Slyvia Plath

If you can’t tell, one of my obsessions that are being added to my current list is writing. Not enough people write. Some feel called to do it while others think they do not have the ability.

I am a poet. I have always been a poet. Last year I tried to do NaNoWriMo 2013, this year though, I will complete it. I don’t really care how it turns out. It is all about trying something new, stepping out of my comfort zone. I have never wrote so much as a short story before but by golly, I will write 1667 words a day for the 50k mark in November.

I have some writer friends that I try to encourage all the time. I am hoping that some will offer me some support. Although, even If I only have Ms. Steam-Punk backing me, I couldn’t be happier. I am going to start blogging daily so that I can get into the habit of writing again.

Btw, If you are looking for some really good Indie Authors give Jessie Lane a look over, I adore her books and her humor. I am sat expecting the best zombie novel ever to be released soon and I will let you guys know when it comes out. Just as when my next two Jessie Lane books come out, I will share them. I know my blog isn’t much but here is hoping that others will join in and find their own strength to step out of their boundaries. If writing isn’t their thing, then hopefully they find what is.

Never be afraid to try something new! Ever!

Ms. Pengelf

<(“) ❤

Love Work And Getting Back Into Things

“Everything is determined…by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for the insect as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust—we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper.” —Albert Einstein

I know that I have been absent for a long, long, did I mention Long time but, I am back. I have decided that I am going to attempt to blog something daily or every other day; to get back into the swing of things. And OMGOSH things have totally changed since last we spoke – well, typed, but you get my meaning! And now for the post, let’s get this going, shall we?

Things have been crazy, well chaotic would probably be a better word for me. I have lost family members, my sanity, control of my rage, control of my anxiety and through it all, managed to finally get rid of the sickness I have had since last August (2013). It turned out that I had double pneumonia and was put in the hospital for a week back in May (May 22, 2014) and due to that, I quit smoking. In fact, I made a huge list of things I wanted to change within my life. Starting with getting control of my sanity and my body. When they released me from the hospital, I could barely walk. That is not something most know. I was having to use a cane for the most part to get around and like my normal self, wanted to just get on with things (school being first and foremost). However, it was not to be. I had to undergo more tests, more appointments, more everything. I felt and still feel like I am conquering the world one doctor appointment at a time. Right now, I have appointments for Physical Therapy weekly, Therapy weekly, Pain Management (not sure how often yet), just did MRI’s of cervical and lumbar spine for pain management and blood work for my GP and I even have that coming up very soon as well. Right now, I do not know if I should laugh or cry at it all. The only good news I have managed to gleam from all this is that the 3 nodules that I had in my lungs while in the hospital have seemed to cleared up on their own, leaving only one area of light scarring on my lungs. I am grateful for that given I smoked for 20+ years as it could have been so very worse.

Medically, I think I am doing all that I can do to help myself so the next thing on that list is my body. Given that, I went to visit the local YMCA today. I know they have ‘scholarships’ for those who cannot afford full membership and as it turned out, I had a membership in Delaware that I owed on so thankfully, I had enough money this month to cover that amount. I was able to turn in everything they needed for my scholarship today and should know more by Friday as to how much and what not. I may not be able to get into to it this month but definitely, next month it will be in my budget. I think this is something that will help me reduce my stress and have the added benefit of helping me to breathe better and possibly lose a bit of weight. I was encouraged to stick to the elliptical and weight machines. PT is hoping the weight machines will help me strengthen up my right arm with as most of you all know was broken very badly and now has quite a bit more metal than bone in it. Not to mention, the YMCA does have a nice pool for after a workout and a little spa sort of thing to help me recover before leaving.

Right now I am on a Medical Leave of Absence from school until I can get most of this stuff sorted and on a regular steady schedule, which I am working so hard to do. I was told by my roommate the other night that “something isn’t right with me, that you aren’t the same as you were.” We all know I reflect a lot and I think I know why that is. It is because I am homesick. I miss the people I grew up with, I miss the places I loved as a kid and most of all I miss the sense of family that I had there. My friends are my family. Period. If you are my family I would do just about anything I could to help you, even if it hurt me. Why? Because I believe that deep down, someone has to do those things. I am an empath. I feel everything. I feel too much actually. When I tell you that your pain is my pain, literally it is. I view this as both a blessing and a curse. Here, in Florida, there is not much happiness that goes around. I feel mainly pain. Just once, once, I would like to go to sleep and not cry myself to sleep because of all the pain that I have dealt with from the day.

Things change, if you change them. You can change, if you have the guts to put in the work to do it. There are two things in my life right now that I would not change: I am an Aspie (I have Asperger’s Syndrome or ASD for you modern folk) and the fact that I am an empath. Blessing or curse, both are me. Both are everything good about me and Both are everything bad about me. Let’s try to make a date for tomorrow. I have books to talk about!

Ms. Pengelf

<(“) ❤

 

 

Reflections and Ramblings

I have found that I typically reflect the most when I am in significant pain. Tonight, well, it is no different.

I have spent a great deal of time today revisiting old chats and comments, various things of the sort and realized that somehow no matter what I was going through, I have always had someone to talk to. Someone to share with, vent with, etc. I have been through quite a lot in my 36 years and along the journey have met some wonderful people. There are those that have just been through similar situations and then there are those that, for a lack of better way to word it, saved me – from myself. My biggest goal for years was to just be invisible. The more insignificant I was the better. During that period of hell, I formed friendships that even to this day mean the world to me. I miss the laughter they brought to my dreary existence and am only now reaching back out to them. I didn’t realize, until a very dear friend pointed it out, that I hid so much from everyone. It amazes me to this day that quite literally in my darkest hour, without knowing, there were people there that made me feel special.

I don’t know if I can voice the pain of all I have been through and continue to go through. I am not sure there are enough words that can tell you how important everyone who has been in my life – good and bad – have been. It made me, me. It forced me to really look at myself and question everything. I have always believed that everything has a purpose. Everything happens for a reason. The question is why? Why does certain people, the sweetest, kindest people have to go through so much pain. Is it because they care? I am not sure I have an answer to that. All I know is that I am me. I am me because of all that pain and hurt. The end result: I love me. Sad truly, that it took me so many years to discover how beautiful of a person I am. I am at peace with my past. I am a peace with things that should have ripped me to shreds. Why? Because I was meant to travel that journey. I am still very baffled at what lesson I am meant to learn from it all.

I am sat here thinking about how conversation I have had, every laugh, every smile and just in general all the things of the past. I am anxious, very worried about a certain person in my life. I am wondering if all that anxiety isn’t the reason for my rambling thoughts tonight. All I do know is that I very grateful for all the various people in my life; those met and those that I only know from the computer. I can honestly say that if certain people had not been placed in my life, I would not be here. What is humbling is that even though we have all changed and traveled our own journeys, I have people around me that love me for me and even through all the years, are still there.

Truly, I am blessed.

Ms. Pengelf

<(“) ❤

The Challenge, The Goal, The Dream

Early last week, I had an epiphany. I realized that while I truly believed that everything I have been through in my life has happened for a reason, I did not know what it was I was supposed to be doing with it. Thanks to a couple of hard knocks on the head by some people I know, it dawned on me: Share it all. Show the world that it can beat me, abuse me, and in the end, I am going to still be standing, doing my thing and finding the humor in it all. All that being said, let’s get going on this post.

The Challenge

Yes, it is true. I am my own worst critic! I will take that and run with it. Honestly, it is true for us all. The challenge here is to wait for that little voice we all have. You guys know the one. It does nothing but nag you to death with every negative thought and emotion you have. It literally comes out both engines going. It is difficult to listen to and even harder to shut up. Now that you have it, I want you to grab it! Chase it down and gag it! Then, beat it down and FORCE it to croon positive affirmations back at you! What’s that you say? You think you can’t? Well, I am going to tell you that your can’t is impossible! Why is it impossible? Because in the immortal words of Mrs. Lewis, can’t does not exist in this world. You do not try to do this, you just DO IT! Now, get moving! It isn’t going to shut up on its own! Got it? Gagged it? Beat it down? Yes? Awesome! Today’s positive affirmation, at least for me anyways (and if you need one, feel free to use it!) is: You are a beautiful disaster, perfectly imperfect! You are unique and there is not one single person that is on this planet that can do all it is that you do! Head up girl! Walk proud, Walk strong, cause the world is waiting for you!

The Goal

My goal here is quite simplistic in design, perhaps difficult or trying to accomplish. Why? Because it involves having faith. The goal is to believe that there is going to come a day, in my lifetime, that I will not have to challenge myself, to solely reaffirm myself. That is to say, I will wake up one day and just KNOW that I am the only me and that I am truly awesome in all ways! That is the goal. See, I told you it was simplistic! I have to have faith that this day will come. I believe it is within arm’s reach. I also have faith that you too will accomplish this! Faith, at one point in my life was summed up by this quote: “I have faith, I just need proof to back it up.” (From the movie Simon Birch – which I HIGHLY recommend to all) I am going to go on record today and say this, in regards to that: Faith is a stone on which to build your life. It helps you to secure a belief and it fosters your dreams and for those who don’t have it, it is elusive at best. My suggestion is this: Tell yourself once you have completed the challenge that tomorrow will be different. Tell yourself that tomorrow you won’t have to do that. Tell yourself that everything you want in life, out of life, is possible because YOU will make it happen. That my dear meepers is Faith!

The Dream

Now that we have completed the challenge and gotten our Faith back, the dream is this: Make your life your own! Dominate it! Own it! Conquer it! Personally, I want to grow up to be a Computer Scientist that specializes in Networking Administration and Security. I want a Ph. D. While that is not something that I can achieve overnight, I am diligently working on it. I am 3 terms away from my Associates. Then its something like another 48 credit hours for my Bachelors, then another 52 for my Masters. Notice I am choosing to not view this in terms of years! Realistically, for what *I* want to do, I will never finish school! I am okay with that. Why? Because my dream demands it! I WILL have my Ph.D, I Will move to England. I will own my life and be the best that I can be! I guess what I am trying to say with this is that the dream is to Believe. Believe completely in who you are.  Believe in your abilities. Believe that what you want will happen, because you have faith in yourself!

There are probably going to be some that read this and think: “Why is she writing all this?” My answer is simple: I am writing this because *I* will re-read this at some point and it will serve as reality check. You see, I am hopeful and while I currently have faith, I am also quite weak sometimes and I have been known to let that little voice of negativity nag at me for days/weeks at a time. This is my reminder to NOT do that. This could be looked at as my new mantra. I am changing my life. I am making my life my own. I am smart enough to know that a day will come that I am going to look back on this and really needs these words. This will hopefully have a dual purpose: to straighten my own thinking up and snap it back in line and to hopefully motivate you all to do the same! The most important thing of all, that you can do for yourself, is to love yourself and know your own worth and if this helps anyone, including myself, find that, then well, this was worth writing!

And with that, I am going to leave you all with my Quote of the Day: Change your thoughts and you change your world. ~ Norman Vincent Peale. I am sending you all Pengy Love and starting my own day!

Ms. Pengelf

<(“) ❤

A Memorial Day Re-blog – Memorial Day. A Day of Remembrance Or A Day of Pain

To those that know what this is about, I make no apologies as this is how I feel and will always feel. To the ones that do not have a clue, let me explain what I am talking about.

When I was 15, I was raped by my mother’s brother (a Vietnam Veteran) and got pregnant as a result. Long story short, I was court ordered to abort the child and charges were filed and off to prison he went. My world changed. I lost not only my family but my church and church family as well and several people I called friends. Those people that I didn’t lose, I chased away because I didn’t know how to adequately deal with everything I was going through. I was harassed in school, tormented by people who I once thought cared about me. It was a very rough time and due to circumstances, I moved out of my mother’s home at 17 and disappeared for 2 years, not telling anyone where I was or how I was.

When George (the rapist) was paroled after serving only 2 years, he was welcomed back into the family with open arms like he did nothing wrong. I was forbidden to see my family for fear that our paths may perhaps cross. In all ways, it was like I was continuing to be punished for what he did to me and put me through. He wasn’t out very long before he was killed in an horrific car accident, he drove (speeding at a high rate) into an RV and was decapitated in this accident. My family blamed me. I was no where around and I wasn’t in the RV nor did I know the people in the RV but yet, it was still my fault, of course it was.

Now, here is the part that brings the most pain of all. After his death, he was buried in a military cemetery with full honors. I was horrified! How could he have done all he did to do me and still get to be placed in a place of honor and valor and receive benefits of the same sort? I was so dumbfounded! I still reel with the injustice of it all. Every year on this day, he gets a flag placed on his grave ‘due to the service he gave’  but what of the life he lived outside of that service? He was a horrible man. I have forgiven him, he was mentally unstable when he did what he did to me and I now am confident enough to know it was not my fault in any way however, I cannot forget what he did and do not wish to see him get the honors reserved for those who truly deserve them.

rant over.

<(“) ❤

Ms. Pengelf

My Newest Poem, Adventures!

Adventures

The day dawns a new adventure

One you cannot know

You live; you breathe

Yet the winds remain so cold…

Let not this day pass you by

Let each adventure unfold

Do what you must; crave each thought

For each moment’s been foretold…

Another day dawns an adventure

Life lessons are a must

A new beginning; a learning tool

Your understanding here is just…

The understanding of life

Is what you will always seek

A purpose within; a guiding thought

Found within the walls of the meek

So gather your thoughts

Your chaos aloft

You live; you breathe

Fulfilling destiny’s dream…

There she is, hope you guys like her! Much Pengy Love to you all!

<(“) ❤

Ms. Pengelf

Chaos, Love, & Unspoken Thoughts

I am very much having issues at the moment. I have been very lost, seriously confused, and mostly bitter or cynical here of late. Why? Well, because back in October, I was a perfect IDIOT and did not follow my heart. I made a mistake (with help) and have been wishing for the chance to atone for that since. While school this past term was fine, I pulled off a 4.0 GPA term (to bring my cumulative GPA to 3.64) I have been completely miserable: learning anything without having someone to share the good and bad with is never fun and that is where I have been here of late. As it stands today, I have not heard anything from my best friend – you guys know him as Mr. P Pengy – since October and this year has been quite trying and started off quite literally very emotionally. Right now, I feel like the normalcy that I show to everyone is fake: My world is nowt but chaos and pain right now, full of confusion and isolation – even if it is by my own hands. But like everything else, it could be worse by far.

How do you show someone how much you love them? Well in this case, I did something 99% of people would not do. I got myself a tattoo. It is of a butterfly, an infinity symbol, his initials,  and this: /(bb|[^b]{2})/. Put together all the elements and you have something symbolic (to me) that demonstrates two people coming together, embracing the others differences and scars, uniting as one. Thusly, creating a perfect love through both tolerance and understanding – following closely with compassion. The weird lettering? Well it stands for a couple of things, one being to remind me to ALWAYS be myself. Even if I discounted the pain I was experiencing, I was not true to myself nor was I entirely fair to the prince who holds my heart.

Let us address my word of Prince there. In my heart, In my mind, In my world, He IS very much a prince: Worthy of more than I could ever give to him. My hope is that he learns his worth and in doing so realizes just  how important he is and how much he deserves love and happiness. While I have not actually spoken to him, I have sent him a very heartfelt letter – in the hopes that he understands the depth of my feelings. I am stuck in a place mentally that is tearing me apart. I write to him daily, I just don’t send anything to him. One day, I hope to be able to give him all the letters that I have written – all the thoughts that I have had, all the things I have done or gone through, in the hopes that he realizes that even though we are not speaking he is very much part of my everyday life. I wake up thinking about him, I fall asleep every night thinking about him and in some context, I dream about him – whether it is him in the whole or it is his mindset or his voice, just something from him.

Currently, I am wearing an engagement ring – a sterling silver ring of Amethyst and White Topaz. Why when I am not with him? Simple. I belong to him. I openly gave myself to him, I am his and will always be so. He quite literally is my soul mate. He is the one that keeps me grounded. He gives me more inspiration than I think even he realizes. My hope: his love for himself is found and through finding it, he embraces himself totally and opens himself up to being fully loved by those who know his worth. I think that for right now I am going to close this out – perhaps to revisit a bit later on. For now, I hope he realizes just how much I do, in fact, love him.

As Always,

Ms. Pengelf

<(“) ❤