“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” ~ George Bernard Shaw
I am in the process of a waiting game. I am waiting to discover if my insurance will, in fact, pay for a surgery that I need to avoid paralysis. I am trying to take it day by day but to say it is hard, would be a lie. A really big lie.
Truthfully, I am stuck in a limbo of sorts. I either feel like I want to be all loving and caring to everyone around me, because I know that someone, somewhere, is worse off than I am and then there is the flipside to that which is like just wanting to hurt people cause they made the mistake of talking to me. It really is a struggle every day. With my pain levels so high and my headaches so intense, then lets for the hell of it add in that my arms are going numb and I have lost most dexterity in them and it creates a perfect storm.
I am used to my leg being numb, its been like this since May of 2015 and the leg from the knee down has been numb too. My right foot is now decided it wants to join the party. I struggle every single day in more ways than one. I am waiting to get my neck fixed and stable so that hopefully I can get back some of the sensation in the lower body but that is not a given. Just like my neck surgery cannot promise me that I will get rid of my nerve pain, the dexterity issues or anything really. The only thing promised to me is this: Your neck and spine will both be stable when everything is done.
I am unsure whether this comforts me or terrifies me. I guess if the long run is to keep me out of a wheelchair, then, in the end, isn’t that what matters?