“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary.” ~> Edgar Allan Poe
Refection is something I am quite know for. No, it is not that I live in the past. The present is enough hell to last till infinity and the future just sounds painful. I have started having nightmares again. And, believe me, there is no medication to help make those easier to deal with. Ergo, a purge was needed.

So, bet you are wondering about what I am wondering about. That one is quite simple to answer. I miss my kids. My Alpha and my Omega touch me, whether they know it or not. While I do strive to not be a bitter ex-wife, the least he could do is let me talk to them every now and again. Sadly though, he told my kids I died back in 2004. So currently am wondering about their well being and how they are doing. It damn near breaks me to know they are 4 states away AND even if I just showed up, he wouldn’t let me have anything to do with them. I don’t really know what do to at this point in time. Hence, the wondering.

Now Pondering is a bit easier to talk about. I just feel I give and give and get absolutely nothing in return. I feel a lot like I did in High School – invisible. I know we are all older and have family’s of our own but it amazes me how people find the time to talk to everyone under the sun, excluding me. Actually I am quite close to closing my Facebook account. The sheer amount of anger and depression on there is NOT something I wish to see on a daily basis. Your business is YOUR business and I know a lot people have been told to not publicly ‘air their dirty laundry out in the open for everyone to see.

Reflection, ah my favorite thing. Reflection guides me towards what ever my current silver lining may be. It also gives me the chance to look back and see my achievements, as well as my failures. It is always the failures that do me in. That and my brain not calming down for the night. For those of you who don’t know, I suffer from severe sleep anxiety – for good reason. I tend to punch holes into walls, I have sleep crafted, and only the sweet goddess could tell you the rest. What is disorder is more often called is Night Terrors. That is how I broke my right upper arm in July of 2009 – I didn’t just break it either. No. I had to give myself a complex spiral fracture which required two of the same surgeries to do the exact same thing but the second actually fixed the problem. I am only now getting feeling back in that arm thanks to radio frequency nerve ablations. Basically, I am a walking, talking, accident waiting to happen. Shoot I look back over the last 37 years and am absolutely perplexed I mad it this far.

I think my biggest problem tonight (which is why I am writing this at 2:52 am EST) Is that I don’t feel like people understand me. I have been told by several “its all in your head” well no shyt? really? I have a neuro-developmental condition and Yes that means it is mainly in my head.It is quite difficult for a neuro-typical person to grasp BUT If I can show just one, just one person, that this can be very debilitating then I will feel I have succeed. And, by debilitating  I dont mean (in my case at least because all on the autistic spectrum are VERY different) I am referring to things like sight, touch, taste, basically all senses are effective, but noise OMGOSH I can’t do loud music. It physically hurts. There are days where getting dressed makes me cry for hours.

Truthfully, I could give a damn whether you like me or hate me. Truly, I don’t. But dear sweet goddess, can you lay off the negativity? I could give a rat’s ass about who is doing who, or who did a stupid prank and it made it to youtube. These things do nothing but cause controversy and disharmony and I don’t know if I can take much more of it. I have enough going on with just being me.

Its made worse by having 1-2 friends. Period. I have people I enjoy talking to, yes. But talking to someone does not mean they pick up the phone outta the blue and ring you just to say “I was thinking of you today and just had to tell you I love you”

I am working hard my silver lining. Truly, I am. But currently it is as elusive as sleep is. I truly need one or the other, both would be nice but I will settle for one. Am closing this before it reaches 1000 words, so with all my love!

Ms. Pengelf

❤ <(“)

PS – I rarely put a PS on a post but since I don’t want people to get all butt hurt thinking I am talking about them, know that I am not. What you read was what was going through my mind at that current time. It is aimed at no one in particular. ❤ <(“)