“Everything is determined…by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for the insect as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust—we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper.” —Albert Einstein

I know that I have been absent for a long, long, did I mention Long time but, I am back. I have decided that I am going to attempt to blog something daily or every other day; to get back into the swing of things. And OMGOSH things have totally changed since last we spoke – well, typed, but you get my meaning! And now for the post, let’s get this going, shall we?

Things have been crazy, well chaotic would probably be a better word for me. I have lost family members, my sanity, control of my rage, control of my anxiety and through it all, managed to finally get rid of the sickness I have had since last August (2013). It turned out that I had double pneumonia and was put in the hospital for a week back in May (May 22, 2014) and due to that, I quit smoking. In fact, I made a huge list of things I wanted to change within my life. Starting with getting control of my sanity and my body. When they released me from the hospital, I could barely walk. That is not something most know. I was having to use a cane for the most part to get around and like my normal self, wanted to just get on with things (school being first and foremost). However, it was not to be. I had to undergo more tests, more appointments, more everything. I felt and still feel like I am conquering the world one doctor appointment at a time. Right now, I have appointments for Physical Therapy weekly, Therapy weekly, Pain Management (not sure how often yet), just did MRI’s of cervical and lumbar spine for pain management and blood work for my GP and I even have that coming up very soon as well. Right now, I do not know if I should laugh or cry at it all. The only good news I have managed to gleam from all this is that the 3 nodules that I had in my lungs while in the hospital have seemed to cleared up on their own, leaving only one area of light scarring on my lungs. I am grateful for that given I smoked for 20+ years as it could have been so very worse.

Medically, I think I am doing all that I can do to help myself so the next thing on that list is my body. Given that, I went to visit the local YMCA today. I know they have ‘scholarships’ for those who cannot afford full membership and as it turned out, I had a membership in Delaware that I owed on so thankfully, I had enough money this month to cover that amount. I was able to turn in everything they needed for my scholarship today and should know more by Friday as to how much and what not. I may not be able to get into to it this month but definitely, next month it will be in my budget. I think this is something that will help me reduce my stress and have the added benefit of helping me to breathe better and possibly lose a bit of weight. I was encouraged to stick to the elliptical and weight machines. PT is hoping the weight machines will help me strengthen up my right arm with as most of you all know was broken very badly and now has quite a bit more metal than bone in it. Not to mention, the YMCA does have a nice pool for after a workout and a little spa sort of thing to help me recover before leaving.

Right now I am on a Medical Leave of Absence from school until I can get most of this stuff sorted and on a regular steady schedule, which I am working so hard to do. I was told by my roommate the other night that “something isn’t right with me, that you aren’t the same as you were.” We all know I reflect a lot and I think I know why that is. It is because I am homesick. I miss the people I grew up with, I miss the places I loved as a kid and most of all I miss the sense of family that I had there. My friends are my family. Period. If you are my family I would do just about anything I could to help you, even if it hurt me. Why? Because I believe that deep down, someone has to do those things. I am an empath. I feel everything. I feel too much actually. When I tell you that your pain is my pain, literally it is. I view this as both a blessing and a curse. Here, in Florida, there is not much happiness that goes around. I feel mainly pain. Just once, once, I would like to go to sleep and not cry myself to sleep because of all the pain that I have dealt with from the day.

Things change, if you change them. You can change, if you have the guts to put in the work to do it. There are two things in my life right now that I would not change: I am an Aspie (I have Asperger’s Syndrome or ASD for you modern folk) and the fact that I am an empath. Blessing or curse, both are me. Both are everything good about me and Both are everything bad about me. Let’s try to make a date for tomorrow. I have books to talk about!

Ms. Pengelf

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