I have found that I typically reflect the most when I am in significant pain. Tonight, well, it is no different.

I have spent a great deal of time today revisiting old chats and comments, various things of the sort and realized that somehow no matter what I was going through, I have always had someone to talk to. Someone to share with, vent with, etc. I have been through quite a lot in my 36 years and along the journey have met some wonderful people. There are those that have just been through similar situations and then there are those that, for a lack of better way to word it, saved me – from myself. My biggest goal for years was to just be invisible. The more insignificant I was the better. During that period of hell, I formed friendships that even to this day mean the world to me. I miss the laughter they brought to my dreary existence and am only now reaching back out to them. I didn’t realize, until a very dear friend pointed it out, that I hid so much from everyone. It amazes me to this day that quite literally in my darkest hour, without knowing, there were people there that made me feel special.

I don’t know if I can voice the pain of all I have been through and continue to go through. I am not sure there are enough words that can tell you how important everyone who has been in my life – good and bad – have been. It made me, me. It forced me to really look at myself and question everything. I have always believed that everything has a purpose. Everything happens for a reason. The question is why? Why does certain people, the sweetest, kindest people have to go through so much pain. Is it because they care? I am not sure I have an answer to that. All I know is that I am me. I am me because of all that pain and hurt. The end result: I love me. Sad truly, that it took me so many years to discover how beautiful of a person I am. I am at peace with my past. I am a peace with things that should have ripped me to shreds. Why? Because I was meant to travel that journey. I am still very baffled at what lesson I am meant to learn from it all.

I am sat here thinking about how conversation I have had, every laugh, every smile and just in general all the things of the past. I am anxious, very worried about a certain person in my life. I am wondering if all that anxiety isn’t the reason for my rambling thoughts tonight. All I do know is that I very grateful for all the various people in my life; those met and those that I only know from the computer. I can honestly say that if certain people had not been placed in my life, I would not be here. What is humbling is that even though we have all changed and traveled our own journeys, I have people around me that love me for me and even through all the years, are still there.

Truly, I am blessed.

Ms. Pengelf

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