I am very much having issues at the moment. I have been very lost, seriously confused, and mostly bitter or cynical here of late. Why? Well, because back in October, I was a perfect IDIOT and did not follow my heart. I made a mistake (with help) and have been wishing for the chance to atone for that since. While school this past term was fine, I pulled off a 4.0 GPA term (to bring my cumulative GPA to 3.64) I have been completely miserable: learning anything without having someone to share the good and bad with is never fun and that is where I have been here of late. As it stands today, I have not heard anything from my best friend – you guys know him as Mr. P Pengy – since October and this year has been quite trying and started off quite literally very emotionally. Right now, I feel like the normalcy that I show to everyone is fake: My world is nowt but chaos and pain right now, full of confusion and isolation – even if it is by my own hands. But like everything else, it could be worse by far.

How do you show someone how much you love them? Well in this case, I did something 99% of people would not do. I got myself a tattoo. It is of a butterfly, an infinity symbol, his initials,  and this: /(bb|[^b]{2})/. Put together all the elements and you have something symbolic (to me) that demonstrates two people coming together, embracing the others differences and scars, uniting as one. Thusly, creating a perfect love through both tolerance and understanding – following closely with compassion. The weird lettering? Well it stands for a couple of things, one being to remind me to ALWAYS be myself. Even if I discounted the pain I was experiencing, I was not true to myself nor was I entirely fair to the prince who holds my heart.

Let us address my word of Prince there. In my heart, In my mind, In my world, He IS very much a prince: Worthy of more than I could ever give to him. My hope is that he learns his worth and in doing so realizes just  how important he is and how much he deserves love and happiness. While I have not actually spoken to him, I have sent him a very heartfelt letter – in the hopes that he understands the depth of my feelings. I am stuck in a place mentally that is tearing me apart. I write to him daily, I just don’t send anything to him. One day, I hope to be able to give him all the letters that I have written – all the thoughts that I have had, all the things I have done or gone through, in the hopes that he realizes that even though we are not speaking he is very much part of my everyday life. I wake up thinking about him, I fall asleep every night thinking about him and in some context, I dream about him – whether it is him in the whole or it is his mindset or his voice, just something from him.

Currently, I am wearing an engagement ring – a sterling silver ring of Amethyst and White Topaz. Why when I am not with him? Simple. I belong to him. I openly gave myself to him, I am his and will always be so. He quite literally is my soul mate. He is the one that keeps me grounded. He gives me more inspiration than I think even he realizes. My hope: his love for himself is found and through finding it, he embraces himself totally and opens himself up to being fully loved by those who know his worth. I think that for right now I am going to close this out – perhaps to revisit a bit later on. For now, I hope he realizes just how much I do, in fact, love him.

As Always,

Ms. Pengelf

<(“) ❤

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